In Frame: Eiric Danso.

P A R I S:

30th November, 2023.

It was dark and windy out there, the leaves—they were aged, but they were golden and they kissed all the streets in the city of Paris, perhaps an autumn’s final, fragile offering. Across the boulevard, I marched. Towards Rue Saint-Honoré. Towards Jardin des Tuileries. Each step felt like dragging a memory out of the shadows, heavier with every thought of Virgo Modine. His name lingered, pulling threads from the tapestry of my mind: the stolen kiss, the stolen heart in Tatihou Island etched like a scar. The thought of  him waiting, caught between hope and despair in the  cinema invading my thoughts. Yet here I marched, I marched into the cavern of my past.

There, I saw Eiric perched on a white bench. His coat was Gray matched with a White cable-knit sweater.

“Paris—”

“I’ve only got thirty minutes,” I cut him off. “Say what you need to say.”

I kept my gaze on the distance, though I could feel his eyes on me, heavy with unspoken sorrow. His voice broke through, soft but faltering, “Maaf.” The word hung in the air, a trembling thread. He looks just the same. He looks just like how I picture him in my memory. So beautiful and distant, even when he’s right in front of me.  But this time, something new was written on his face—perhaps an accent of weariness. “Aku gatau harus bilang apa lagi selain ngomong maaf.”

“Maaf karena apa?”

“Maaf karena…” He stumbled, his words catching in his throat. His hands clenched against his knees as if steadying himself. “Maaf karena selalu nyembunyiin hubungan kita. I’m sorry for being such a coward. I’m sorry for not being able to defend you whenever my friends made fun of you. I’m sorry for having to pretend that I despise you and your friends just to fit in with mine, when the truth is, I adore you so much. I'm sorry for not loving you right.”

“—And for making me feel unwanted. For making me go through whatever I’ve been going through after you. For making me think that you are ashamed to have me as your girl. That I lack so much,  so much that I do not deserve to be loved out loud” My words cut him off, my voice steady. “You should feel sorry for that.”

Our eyes met, his pleading and mine unyielding. I searched his gaze, seeking some unspoken truth buried beneath the weight of his sorrow before turning my focus to the leaves scattered across the pavement. Then he whispered, voice brittle as if speaking from a deathbed, “I’m sorry.” He paused, a trembling breath. "I miss you, Paris. I miss you very much. I was agitated when you chose to leave. I held back from running to you, kissing your hand, and saying, ‘I'm sorry, can we start it all over?’ simply because my ego wouldn’t let me. I was arrogant enough to think that living without you would be bearable, but…"

“But?”

“But there isn’t a day I don’t regret it. Tiap kali aku ngelakuin sesuatu atau ngeliat sesuatu, aku selalu mikir, kamu pasti bakal begini, kamu pasti bakal begitu. I like the way things are happening to me when you are around. Life felt right when you were there. Nothing—nothing—has ever given my life more purpose than your presence.” His voice cracked, his hands trembling. “I miss you, Paris. So much it hurts.”

Benar, gue mau dia datang lagi. Benar, gue mau liat dia menyesal. Benar, gue berharap bahwa kepergian gue akan menjadi neraka yang harus dia hadapi sehari-hari. Hanya agar gue tau bahwa cintanya nyata. Bahwa itu semua bukanlah hal yang ada di kepala gue saja.

That it was mutual and real, our love.

Then, I saw it—the thing I had been searching for all along.  It wasn’t an apology, not really. It was a surrender. This. This is what I want. When I think about it again, in retrospect, whenever I yearned for him to return, it was never about letting him gain access to my life. I simply wanted to see him like this, to be defeated.

I looked at him then, really looked—at the man for whom I had once set myself ablaze just to keep him warm—at the man I loved so recklessly—when I looked over to see him, I saw nothing but grief. He was begging me for mercy.

The weight I had carried lifted. I can feel my heart at ease. My heart felt vast, expanding into the spaces I had long believed broken, like it’s telling me that there’s still so much room for new love to grow.

“Sweet,” I murmured under my breath, almost to myself.